


Monstrosity

by CaffieneKitty



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s03e07 Fresh Blood, Gen, Meta, POV Gordon Walker, Self-Hatred, Vampire Turning, intolererance toward monsters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-19
Updated: 2007-11-19
Packaged: 2018-01-01 03:59:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1040079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffieneKitty/pseuds/CaffieneKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What defines a monster? Sometimes they choose to define themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monstrosity

**Author's Note:**

> An internal view of Gordon Walker turning into a vampire in the episode "Fresh Blood". Kind of meta-y. 
> 
> _Originally posted November 19, 2007_

When Gordon opens his eyes again in the thing's lair, everything is too bright. He's hungry like he hasn't eaten in days, he's had worse, but can feel it growing. There's a clock somewhere, ticking and it's like a cannon firing in his head, over and over, driving him crazy.

He's surprised he can pull free. Not as surprised when he twists off the heads of the two vampire girls. They asked for help before they started screaming, so he helped them. Nothing he wouldn't want done for himself, but he has things that need doing first.

The city outside the nest reeks now, like garbage and exhaust and oil and metal. Streetlights are blinding and cars are loud and painful. Taillights leave tracers as their red brightness burns into his retinas.

Gordon hears the man's heart before he sees him. He can hear the blood flowing in the guy's veins as he changes a flat tire, smell it as he scrapes a knuckle on the fender-well. The wrongness of that hyper-awareness is lost in a wash of hunger so intense Gordon thinks he might pass out. It's hunger and thirst all wrapped together in raw need, burning in his throat and mind like a magnesium flare.

The shriek of the wrench is lost in the beating of the man's heart, banging in Gordon's ears. He looks at the man and looks away, turning to the darkened window of a store, hands on cool glass, staring at his reflection.

 _I can fight this,_ he thinks. _I can fight this. This is not me. I am not this thing._ But even as he thinks it, he sees in his own changing eyes the same desperate need he saw in his sister's.

He _can't_ fight this. It can't be fought. He's been made into a Fang now, a monster, and monsters can't fight what they are. He knows that better than he knows his sister's name. If they could fight what they were, and he could fight this now, that would mean his sister could have fought too. But she couldn't have. She was a Fang, a monster, that's why she had to die. There is no way to change back, and no middle ground. Monster or human, no middle ground, no fighting it, or his entire life and the way he lived it was a lie, and his sister...

Gordon gives in to the thirst, watches the fangs descend for the first time, painfully, and knows now how the legends that vampires are not seen in mirrors started. They can't stand to look at themselves. He looks away from himself and lets the need take over.

-

It becomes easier, clearer. When he kills Kubrick, he hardly has to convince himself that it's pure base instinct that makes him tear a hole in his friend's chest.

Gordon knows if he was still human, it'd be self-defense, and slapping Kubrick's slow-moving blade away would have been simple. Knocking his friend unconscious and barricading him in the R/V's bathroom would have been all he needed to do. All that was needed to give Gordon the time to get out and do his last good deed for the world. Kubrick could have gone on living afterward.

But that would be a human action to spare a friend, and monsters have no friends. Ripping a hole in Kubrick's torso? Pure, evil, monstrous instinct. Undeniable. Undeniable.

The more Gordon repeats it in his mind, the more he believes it, even as he listens to Kubrick's heart stop and whispers an apology to the corpse of his last friend.

-

Dean's voice is tiny and futile from the cell phone in Gordon's hand, fingertips still reddened with Kubrick's blood. Fool, soft-hearted fool, blind to his own brother's monstrosity, trying to reason with the monster Gordon knows he is now. Can't reason with a monster, Dean. Can't reason with pure base instinct.

"Gordon! Don't do this! You don't kill innocent people, you're still a hunter!"

"No," says Gordon, thinking of what he's about to do to a woman who's committed no crime more heinous than selling Dean Winchester a cell phone, "I'm a monster."

And Gordon doesn't have to fight himself to believe it anymore.

\- - -  
(That's it.)


End file.
